I've been recommending things wrong my whole life
Why I don't say "You have to watch ______!" or "You haven't read ______?" anymore
There are a few pieces of art that I’m wildly passionate about.
For movies, this is La La Land, The Incredibles, and Hara-Kiri; with books, it’s The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas and Endurance by Alfred Lansing; with music, I’d listen to the albums Sittin’ by the Road by Blaze Foley and The Man I Love by Peggy Lee on loop for the rest of my life. I think they’re fantastic. (If these aren’t your style, that’s OK - fill in the blank with whatever fantastic movie, book, or music you love!)
So if you were to tell me “I actually haven’t read The Count of Monte Cristo -” a part of me would immediately feel compelled to blurt out: “You haven’t read it?” followed immediately by the imperative: “You have to read it.”
But I would not do that. Not these days, anyway. Why not? And what would I say instead?
Reason 1: I’m setting you up for disappointment.
Think about how you’d feel if I said: “You absolutely must drop whatever you are doing this weekend and watch the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy. It’s epic, it’s beautiful, and it’s incredible. It’ll change your life.”
Now I can’t say for sure exactly how’d you feel. But I think I may have just set the bar for these films pretty high. And while for me those movies did change my life (watching the trilogy in high school, along with the DVD behind-the-scenes, was a huge influence in me choosing to pursue film in college, which led to the teaching job I’m in now) I’d say it’s a long shot to assume that they would have the same effect on you. And my guess is, that’s what you’d be thinking too.
Let’s say you take my advice, and you sit down and pop in The Fellowship of the Ring this Friday night. Every change of scene, you’d be thinking (and rightfully so) “Is this the part that will change my life? Is this the part that I had to see?”
When I set the bar at 100, the best that can happen is your expectations are met. If you experience anything less than 100% enjoyment, you’ll be disappointed.
Reason 2: I’m implying “You haven’t…but I have.”
I want to be pretty clear with this one: I’m not saying everyone who’s ever said “You have to read this book!” is trying to shame or belittle the other person. I don’t think that’s usually the case at all. When I’ve said “You have to read The Count of Monte Cristo” before, that’s really me trying to sell you on something I love and I think you’d love too. I assume we are coming from a place of love, both for the art and for the person we’re recommending it to. (I guess some people could be trying to put you down or puff themselves up by recommending art - but that’s silly and not really a recommendation at all. It’s a brag at best and an attack at worst.)
That said, haven’t you had someone say “You haven’t?” and just felt the full sentence was, really, “You haven’t seen this…but I have. You didn’t do your homework, but I did. You haven’t experienced as much as I have. I am the keeper of knowledge, and you are a child who still reads The Magic Tree House.”
First of all, I love The Magic Tree House books, so you can cool it, imaginary speaker.
Second of all, I’ve 100% felt this way before when someone’s recommending stuff to me. I feel like I’m being judged, instead of invited. It doesn’t make me want to go and watch Friends. It makes me feel silly for not having seen it. And if I do eventually go and watch it, I’ll always have in the back of my mind: I’m not an original fan. I’m late to the party. I am doing this as homework, and I’m catching up on something overdue.
I don’t think we mean to do this when we recommend art. I think we truly want people to enjoy and love the things we’ve loved. But regardless of our intentions, if we’re not careful, we can put the brand of “homework” on our favorite movies, books, and music…and how in the world are people supposed to have fun with that?
So what do I say instead?
These days, I’ve found a simple three-word solution: You might like.
Obviously you’d get a weird response if you just said those three words without any context, but if you package them in a sentence I think you’ll get great results. Here’s what a new conversation might look like:
You: Hey, Tim. I haven’t seen La La Land.
Me: Oh, really? I think you might like it.
If this feels wishy-washy at first glance, I totally get it. But the goal isn’t to be wishy-washy, to hedge our bets and pretend we don’t have any thoughts or preferences or opinions. The goal is to not scare people off with crazy high expectations or shame.
Here’s how that conversation might continue:
You: You do? Why?
Tim: I think it’s one of those rare movies that checks all the boxes for me; great story, characters, dialogue, visuals, music, and meaning. And it feels like they sort of all interplay with each other instead of drowning each other out.
You: Oh, it’s a musical, isn’t it? I don’t really like musicals.
Tim: It is, and yeah totally if you don’t like musicals then you might not love it. But you might be surprised - I’m not really a musical guy, and to me La La Land felt more like a movie that had music in it when appropriate, as opposed to other musical movies where every key moment has to turn into a random song. So that helped me. But anyway I highly recommend it. If you see it, let me know what you think.
I could continue this further, but I hope you see what I’m getting after - when you say “you might like this,” you’re not being wishy-washy. You’re trying to engage in conversation, to understand the person’s interests, and help them find if they might, actually, like it. And give them permission to choose that for themselves.
When do I push a little harder?
It’s true that in some cases I’ll be more direct. If I know someone and what they enjoy, and there’s something I think they would absolutely love, I’m totally down to do this. I’ve been pushing my buddies Phil and Austin to see Godzilla Minus One since the day I saw it by mistake last December. (By the way, if you haven’t seen it, I think you might like it. Like, really like it.)
But if I recommend everything (as a must-see or must read) to everybody (without getting to know them first), my recommendations slowly lose their value.
And…they might not like it, after all.
The final thing I’ve come to realize is that saying “you might like it” is more than just polite.
It’s true.
They might like it. And this implies it’s also possible that they might not like it. Or at least, not like it as much as I do.
This is hard for me to get. Especially with some pieces of art that are universally acclaimed - I know I’m not crazy for thinking The Lord of the Rings is a great trilogy (both the books and the movies). There are reviews to back me up. There are Academy Awards and conventions and interviews. This art is incredible.
But it is so completely possible for someone to watch all three films and think “That was pretty good, I guess,” and then forget about it, and move on to something else.
This is okay.
Maybe it’s got nothing to do with the art itself - there are loads of external things that impact our enjoyment of art:
Who introduced you to it. If you discovered The Lord of the Rings through a cool older brother, and it was the craziest thing you’d ever seen, you’ll have fond memories that will positively color your experience. If, on the other hand, some over-ambitious fan told you that you had to see it…you won’t have the same experience. :)
Pre-existing knowledge. If you’ve read the books and seen all of the behind-the-scenes on the DVDs, you’ll have a greater appreciation than someone who’s coming in without any of that.
The conditions in which you experienced it. If you watched Good Will Hunting while in Boston on vacation during an emotional season of your life, you’ll probably experience it more viscerally than someone who watched it on a plane.
And…the kinds of things you like, in general. Some people just don’t like certain types of things. I love Pride and Prejudice (the book, the movie, and the BBC series). I’m sure some people just aren’t into that style, and even in the best of circumstances they wouldn’t enjoy it.
The point of this list isn’t for us to analyze why someone didn’t like it, then force them to go back and rewatch or reread it “properly” until they do. It’s just to remember that art is not experienced in a vacuum. And the way we recommend art to someone is part of that experience.
So I’m going to try to recommend things as invitations, not commands.
So, what am I going to do about it?
There’s beautiful art in the world, and I’m so grateful to the people who have shared it with me. I love when my friends send me poems, links to funny videos, or book recommendations. And I’d like to start sending out some suggestions of my own; writing that has changed my life, movies that have left me in tears or inspired, and music that has been stuck in my head for years.
So that’s where this newsletter comes in. This is the introduction, but my plan is to send out some recommendations every so often (maybe once a month?) if you’d like to receive them. I’m planning on calling it “You Might Like”. Everything I reference will, I think, be beautiful and worth watching or reading or listening to - I’ll be putting significant thought into the things I suggest. I’m actually very excited to do it.
If you’d like to get these suggestions from me, you can subscribe to the newsletter down below. I think you might like it.
See you next time,
Tim
Thank you for writing this... it has given me a whole new perspective on recommending things I love. I can't wait to see what you write next!
Delicious I'm in